When Someone Speaks, It’s Not Always About You

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"Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." - Don Miguel Ruiz.

Last week, I introduced you to the first of Don Miguel Ruiz's four agreements - be impeccable with your speech, which is the foundation for the following two. Today, we will learn how not to take anything personally.

When interacting with individuals of varying backgrounds, interpersonal communication can become a tricky thing. How often have you been on the receiving end of disparaging remarks? For example, a co-worker calls you an idiot for dropping a routine fly ball in the annual company softball tournament and blames you for the team's loss in the championship game. Indeed, this made you feel bad about yourself, especially when other teammates joined in the rebuke.

Ruiz often tells us that when you are receiving unkind words, it is not about you - it's about the person delivering this message. He continues that every person carries a particular perspective or lens through which they view the world and expect others to fit into it. Unkind words emerge if another's reality does not reconcile with their own. Often, what they say about you is, in fact, a reflection of how they view themselves. It is taking negative self-talk and projecting it onto another person. When this occurs, Ruiz says not to take things personally. In other words, do not take on that person's stuff.

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If we do not establish clear boundaries, we will take on someone else's story (the more we hear it, the more we believe it about ourselves). Interestingly, this transference becomes part of our belief system, and we, in turn, might express our "new" reality in unkind words directed at yet another human being. This vicious circle creates needless angst because we failed to honor the first agreement - be impeccable with your speech.

The antidote to unkindness:

·    Set boundaries.

·    Discern that the hurtful words are part of the other person's journey (it is not about you - i.e., do not take it personally).

·    Show compassion.

After all, we catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Until next time-

Namaste,

Tim

References

Ruiz, D (1997). The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. California: Amber-Allen Publishing.