WHEN IN DOUBT, CHECK IT OUT
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"Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life." - Don Miguel Ruiz.
This week, we will examine Mr. Ruiz's third agreement - DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS. Human interpersonal communication requires three elements to be clearly understood - a sender, a receiver, and feedback in both directions of a conversation (oral or written). For example, you see a neighbor on the street and ask, "Hi Jim, how did your softball team fare in last night's game?" Jim replies, "Hi Joe, we won 6 to 3 in extra innings - thanks for asking." Clear communication - Jim asked a direct question, and Joe responded with an answer that left no room for doubt about whether or not his team won or lost the game. It would be great if all interactions were this simple, but what happens when there is bias from either the sender or receiver?
Bias, or personal perspective, can create confusion when either party makes assumptions about the other person. Mr. Ruiz tells us that "We make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do . . . think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse." (p. 69). He further related that this is one of our most significant assumptions about our fellow beings. Please look at any social media page or news outlet; we do not think or act alike. If you recall, last week, our perspective evolved through lived experience and who we associate with. When morals, values, and convictions differ - the message sent or received becomes confusing because of the filters mentioned above we attach, and our speech is less than impeccable (name calling, trashing reputations) all because of assumptions. Let's take a look at how we can improve our interpersonal communication.
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Don Miguel offers the following sage advice -
1. Acknowledge that though we all live the human experience - we walk a unique journey.
2. Refrain from assuming that your way is the only way without exception.
3. When interacting with others, get curious about their message. If you need help understanding the meaning, keep asking questions until you have a positive affirmation of the intent behind the communication.
A word of caution - when emailing or texting (yes, I know there are emojis), the receiver may not decipher the tone. Therefore, face-to-face conversations or video chats are best, as you can also read the body language indicating how things are going. Another choice would be a phone conversation. While you cannot see facial expressions, at least you can hear the expressed tone. Use due diligence as the sender and correct the receiver if you recognize the message was not received as intended.
My high school history teacher Mr. Danek always inspired his students to seek the answers to questions instead of expecting him to provide the same. He always responded, "When in doubt, check it out." Apply Mr. Danek's advice (to understand our fellow beings), and this world will be a better place to live. Until next time -
Namaste,
Tim
References
Ruiz, D (1997). The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. California: Amber-Allen Publishing.