PTSD AWARENESS MONTH

"If you continue to carry bricks from your past, you will end up building the same house." - Unknown.

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Every year since 2010, the National Center for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder has declared June National PTSD Awareness Month. The center's mission is to raise awareness about PTSD and effective treatment. This week, I will not discuss the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders criteria for diagnosing post-traumatic stress. In this post, I will share my story from a first-person point of view. I am a mental health advocate whose mission is to expand others' knowledge about this vital topic. I believe education is crucial to understanding. My narrative begins in the early winter of 1998 while I was on shift at the firehouse.

We received an alarm for an explosion behind an apartment complex. My assignment for the day was to drive the fire engine to the scene and establish a water source for fire suppression operations. My heart began to race as I thought, "This is going to be a bad one." Upon arrival, the Lieutenant, I, and another firefighter could see a column of heavy black smoke rising (as black as the sky) from the rear of an apartment building parking lot. The Lieutenant and another firefighter pulled the hose line off the engine and disappeared behind the building into the night. Suddenly, my Lieutenant shouted, "Get us water quick!!!" Within a few minutes, they extinguished the fire, and the job was complete, or so I thought. The next thing I knew, an ambulance that responded pulled out from behind the building. I peered through the window and saw three medics treating a patient who was pulled from a pickup truck that had exploded. My Lieutenant, who was driving the ambulance, never looked my way as he sped off to the hospital. I thought this behavior odd as the "Lou" always gave us additional instructions.

When the chaos subsided, another firefighter informed me that the patient was one of our crewmates (a mentor and a friend) en route to the hospital. As the information became more clearly defined, we learned he died by suicide. This event triggered my PTSD, which went undiagnosed for sixteen years. Initially, I was grief-stricken, numb, and felt lost. As the days, weeks, months, and years passed - I became a changed person.

I was uncomfortable being alone in the house during the first year, especially when showering. I had this eerie feeling that he would be standing in the bathroom when I exited the shower. Gradually, this sensation dissolved, but other emotions ramped up as the years passed. I was in a constant state of fight or flight (increased sympathetic response) with hypervigilance - constantly scanning the environments I stepped into.

The hallmark of my undiagnosed PTSD was my inability to deal with conflict - be it home improvement projects or conversations with family, friends, and co-workers. I always presented as a raging bull in a china shop. A fellow firefighter even told me that I appeared unapproachable, which hurt. I just reasoned, "it's them, not me," that became my mantra. You may believe at this juncture, that I would have begun to notice the signs, but not so.

Months quickly turned into a decade, and I still lived in this constant alarm state. Road rage arrived on the scene, and it scared the heck out of Judy. I studied and received a certificate in holistic health practice which offered tools for relaxation, and while the body found some relief, my mind did not follow. Some days, I became so frustrated that I banged my head against the wall to relieve the pain - to no avail.

Fast forward to April 2014, when I attended the first Illinois Firefighter Peer Support Team training. During day two of training, I learned about PTSD and realized the instructor (a licensed professional clinical counselor) was talking about me. I approached her during a break and asked if I could become a client. She agreed. I immediately felt a renewed sense of purpose.

During my counseling sessions, I learned how to cognitively process the traumas I had accumulated before and during my fire service career. You see, the suicide of my co-worker was the catalyst and brought to the surface the history I carried with me from the day I arrived on the planet. The therapist released me after several sessions, and I felt great. I began to repair strained relationships. From a cognitive perspective, I was doing well. Emotionally, not so much.

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A few years later, I experienced anxiety as I began to build a fitness business. I returned to therapy, and what I believed would be a simple check-in became a nine-month emotional struggle - with my emotions. I learned how to "feel" before thinking, which allowed my pre-frontal cortex (the administrative part of the brain) a chance to catch up. Instead of exploding into a rage, I could take a breath and then respond.

I retired from the fire department and moved to Western, NC, with Judy. Even though I am on solid ground, there are cycles where I experience anxiety, rumination, and disrupted sleep. I always work to improve my position by doing my best with what I have in each moment. I have connected with like-minded people who have become my guides and mentors as they have similar stories. During poignant conversations, I learn that I am not alone and that sharing is mutually beneficial for the healing process.

This narrative is my story, and while there may be many like it - this one is mine. I shared the Reader's Digest version of my journey for educational purposes. Hopefully, you will have greater awareness should you or others in your circle struggle. Post traumatic stress (PTS) affects not only war veterans but also first responders, healthcare workers, and the general public. Anything can trigger PTS:

·    Death of a loved one.

·    Being the victim of or witnessing a violent crime.

·    Traumatic brain injury.

Here are some lessons I have learned from my healing journey:

·    Healing is not linear, as it ebbs and flows throughout time.

·    There is yet to be a timeline for how long it may take to become centered and balanced.

·    Be committed to the work to become well by doing your best with what you have in each moment.

·    If you stumble, get up, dust off, and move forward.

Be well, be aware, and reach out to me with any questions, comments, or concerns. Until next time -

Namaste,

Tim

Trigger Warning: The following interview, recorded as part of an educational video for the Illinois Firefighter Peer Support Team (September 2015), vividly describes several calls I responded to as a firefighter. The time was at the very beginning of my healing journey. I caution those who may be sensitive or triggered to refrain from watching.